Monday, June 1, 2009

Swine Flu Falls Under the 00.01% of Germs that Purell Can't Kill



It turns out that, Purell Hand Sanitizer's bold statement that it kills 99.99% of germs, does not kill the germs that lead to Swine Flu. Swine Flu falls under the 00.01% of germs that Purell cannot kill.

Also included in that small percentage of germs are Herpes, Gout, and Avian Bird Flu.

The germs that lead to diseases such as AIDS, The Black Plague, Lou Gerhig's Disease, and Genital Warts incredibly fall under the 99.99% that Purell does kill.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Student Thought to Have Swine Flu Relieved to Find out it Was Just Gas

Fieldston Academy of NYC recently reopened it's doors to students after canceling school for two weeks because of suspicion of one of its students having swine flu. It turns out that the student, Benjamin Horowitz 13, didn't have swine flu, but rather gas.

"He complained all night with the worst stomach ache," reported his mother Esther. "And with all the scare on the news, especially Fox News, what was I to do besides think it was swine flu? I'm a neurotic Jewish mother."

It turns out Benjamin at the Hot Dog stop "Papaya King," and felt horribly shortly after.

"They sell hot dogs, which I am pretty sure are made from pork! Of course I am going to think it is swine flu." Remarked Benjamin.

But then the relieving news came when one evening, some three days later, Benjamin was watching a rerun of "Everybody Loves Raymond" and out of no where he let out what he describes as one of the loudest but greatest farts of all time. Since then he has felt 100%.

After hearing this news, the school reopened its doors and continued with classes.

However, on a more depressing note, The fart which Benjamin let rip ruptured his intestines and he died two days later.

Increase in Hiring of Anorexic Midgets Due to Recession

Nearly all companies have been forced to cut down on costs due to the economic recession. Some however have gone absurd route to downsizing. Several companies such as HG Higgins & Son Investments have been firing heavier and/or taller employees and hiring extremely thin and/or short applicants.

The logic behind this can be expressed by head of HR at HG Higgins & Son, Frank Wright, not to be confused with the famous architect Frank Lloyd Wright: "We are cutting costs, that means smaller offices. We can't keep spending on bigger desks and we need to make the cubicles smaller. So, having larger employees is not cost productive. Also, we need to cut lunch hours and we can't afford to be supplying lunch, so having anorexic employees increases work time and cash flow."

One employee who weighed roughly 6'5 260 pounds lost his job to a midget who weighed at most 90 lbs. He, as well as several other larger than normal former employees have been picketing outside the front entrance.

Complaints of discrimination have been vocalized in which the CEO, Jeff Goldblum, has responded, "It's not really discrimination. Hey, these people aren't being fire because they are Black or Female, but because of factors they could change. If they lose 50 pounds, we'd be happy to take them back."

When asked about discriminating based on height, Mr. Goldblum refused to comment. But since their strategy of firing fat and tall people, HG Higgins & Son has increased their revenue roughly 10%.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Gay Men Now Required to Have Lisps

The Gay community recently released a statement that there is now a requirement to coming out of the closet. Since the sudden popularity of people coming out of the closet, the Gay community feels that coming out is becoming cliche and anyone can do it. They want to make this group exclusive so they can remain prestigous.

LGB spokesman Tom Wolfe, not to be confused with the white-suited author, expressed the decision made by the Gay community, "We are letting too many Joe Schmoesss come out of the clossset. Now everyone wantsss to be queer. We like that we are sssuper popular, but come on, we need sssome prerequisitesss. SSSo we decided that you must have a lisssp to be able to apply for a coming out of the clossset party."

The LGB has started turning away applicants who do not have a lisp. But however, they have made it clear that if you are admittedly gay without a lisp prior to this new ruling, then you can still remain in the group and show gay pride.

Rafael Sanderson, recently came out last week. He does not have a lisp and is extremely happy that he can remain gay. "I constantly get surprised remarks when I tell people I am gay," Says the 6'4 250 pound muscle head with a gruff voice. "But then I whip out my LGB Card and show my pride. However, my best friend Tony, who also doesn't have a lisp, was nervous to come out but now he regrets it so much because he can't do it now."

Spokesman Tom Wolfe informed us that they are developing methods to test for fake lisps. Right now the preferred method is random phone calls to applicants to see how they answer the phone.

Ain't America Amazing?

Not really funny, but I had to post this...enjoy

Ain’t America Awesome?

i always amuse an audience by asking for answers about why
Americans adore annihilation and avoid the amazing beauty of birth,
because bloody battles bring a brighter and more beautiful balance to
war crazed citizens constantly calling for catastrophe and chaos, craving calamity and the collapse of countries and i demand diligently why degenerates deserve to display their deplorable demeanor and deny their dignity on "girls gone wild" and how everyone who emancipates their enormous tits enjoy immense amounts of elevation and exaltation and everyone else evades those expressing emotions full of fascinating finds of fervor and fidelity fighting against fortunes but fond of the flavor of foresight forgetting glamor but growing their gifts like gardens of genius that even god is grateful of, but how hundreds and hundreds of humans have humongous amounts of hubris and they hide helplessly from intelligence and in turn become inclined to ignorance and intellectuals inevitably are now ignored just because they juxtapose the jovial way of acting like a jock or a jerk and jaunt to a journey where they kick it kindly with kinfolk and kill time not by killing other kingdoms but by lounging and learning through language and laughter, longing to learn lessons not just to live lavishly like movie stars and models, making magazine news because they made out, and the media markets millions of mortals that haven't matured and makes them feel minuscule, so they mimic the notable but not natural celebs on the news, now no one feels the need to know more knowledge and now the nation naturally becomes more naive. An openness to obtain wisdom is overruled by the opportunity to pull open your overalls and offer your sexual organs. Because people are presented with pathetic possibilities where they perceive the purpose of life is popularity and plenty people pretend a whole personality for the public's perspective and they put their passions on pause and are polluted by the populace thoughts and they rather peep a tv program then peep a paperback, and they quit the quest for the quantity and quality of their questions of life but rather repress the romance and reach for repulsive reputations of being regarded as respectable but rebellious, but really they are never real, they relish the respect of those who write reviews and they never really reveal their realness. They seldom see the serenity in the the scope of things. so they sporadically spend and splurge on superficial stuff to keep their selves sane, and some never sense to sort through stories to help stabilize their soul. talking to twenty is the same as talking to two, they talk of the same topics and their tangents take them to tiring and trivial themes, only taught by TV and not by understanding ubiquitous utilities like the mind and the soul, but under the underage universes what is unveiled is void, and veterans to visual arts are viewed as villains, not of violence but of the value of virtue, and vast verbose wise men will never be able to work if wisdom is whisked away, while we as Americans watch and wait for what will be on next, without wondering what will be waiting for us, and with wonderful wonders waiting to be washed up and found, we will be wrestled by the brain wash of worthless tv shows that excite but don’t expand out minds, shows like extra don't explore and have us expect to experience extraordinary exhibitions, but make us exit our own experiences. we should yearn to have our brains rise beyond yonder like yeast, but year after year the youth only gets younger and they yap a lot of yada yada yada and only say zip because this zestful zealous nation zig-zags into a zoo of zombies who don’t zero in but zone out and have their heads filled with zzzzz’s

A Poem for the Ages: A J.A.P.

Once there was a girl
Who believed she owned the world
She came from a town by the name of Jericho
Some called her Jessie others called her "ho"
She is a JAP but not from Japan
And each night she's with another man
She loves rap and techno
If you play classical she says "heck no"
Anything that gets a party going
She gets really drunk and ends up blowing
The first guy to buy a bottle
She's not hot but acts like a model
And she spits on the poor
A empty girl acting like the queen of the world
But really just a dirty whore.
:)

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Woolly Mammoth with a Side of Cole Slaw


The Museum of Natural History, the Smithsonian, and countless paleontologists are in rage as Bob Smith (no, not the same Bob Smith who provided the voice for Howdy Doody) recently found, while hunting in northern Wisconsin, a frozen Woolly Mammoth in complete form.

Why are they so angered by the monumental discovery? We asked Anthropologist, Dr. Charles Spencer, Ph.D for his reasoning and he explained, "This idiot could give us answers to many unsolved questions with the past, but instead he wants to eat it!"

That's right. Bob Smith intends to defrost the 10,000 pound beast over the year and have him ready for the Green Bay Packers' football season to start. He then intends to throw what he declares as "the greatest tailgate of all time," where he will grill the entire mammoth and also serve his famous cole slaw.

"I found it, therefore it is mine. Imagine the ribs this sucker must have. Delicious. I know those museums and scientists have found woolly mammoths in the past, so why do they need this one? Answer: They don't." Smith stressed when we confronted him about his findings.

Some paleontologists and museum curators have actually expressed some interest in this endeavor. "It will be most interesting to actually taste what the cavemen ate on a regular basis," Dr. Calvin Monroe from the University of Michigan stated, "Trust me, I will be there for seconds!"

Smith informed us that come opening day at Lambeau Field, a feast for the ages will go down. Smith has decided to grill, smoke, and deep fry the extinct animal as to incorporate a variety that suits all.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Anne Frank Passed Away at the Age of 80

Anne Frank passed away at 12:04 AM, Thursday, March 5, 2009. Anne Frank, who had been living Manville, Wyoming for the last 60 plus years, died from natural causes.

Anne Frank was the famous author of The Diary of Anne Frank, story of a little girl who hid from Nazis living in an attic but was caught.

Many people are shocked by this, thinking it was a true story. Anne, who wrote in her autobiography, I Can't Believe They Bought It, claims it was a fabricated story with an unoriginal name for a protagonist. She had made millions upon millions for her story about the little Dutch girl.

"I am not even from Amsterdam. I'm from Atlantic City. How could they think it was a true story?" Anne reportedly told a friend before she passed.

The world has lost a beloved character and a confused but sneaky author.

Sunday, March 1, 2009



I SPOT A F.L.I.D!! This is when I was in Poland, I had no idea F.L.I.D.s knew where Poland even was? It's definitely not in Long Island, so who told them about it?

A Day in the Life of a Long Island Jewish Princess

So, it’s Saturday morning, my daddy woke me up because he got me fresh Bagels with low fat cream cheese and tomato slices. Ugh, I am so hung-over, my head is killing me and I can’t believe how nauseous I am; Josh’s party was soo crazy. My friend Sam got into a fight with this slut from Merrick cause she hooked up with Sam’s ex boyfriend, Adam. All south shore girls are sluts. Anyways, Sam left the party hysterically crying. I would have gone with her, but ohmygod Matt was there, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hook up with him. He was so cute in his Ed Hardy v-neck with his dog tag chain. So I got really fucked up, and I made him walk me to my car. Before I got in, I made sure we kissed, and minutes later I was topless in the back of my car making out. Obviously Brett, who wanted me, had to get in the way, and got Matt out of there. F.Y.I., Bad move driving home that night, but I was fine. Anyways, ugh I feel like shit, it’s only eleven; I look like shit, so I hope I can get a facial, a mani, and a pedi at Cactus. Shit, my phones ringing, oh-my-gawd I love my ringtone: “Take me home tonight, I don’t wanna let do do do do do do.” I love that song! Yay, it’s Sam!

“Hey Sam, how are you feeling?”
“Better now, but I could totally go for some cwafee or lunch at Laguna Grill”
“That sounds good, but I’d rather eat at something like Kitchen Kaberet.”
“I’ll do that, what time?”
“Umm, how about in an hour, I gotta shower and do some shit.”
“Ok, bye sweetie”

“Love ya” That’s Sam, we have been “B.F.F’s” since we were seven when we met at Camp Robindel and then did B.B.Y.O; if you’re not from LonggIsland it means “B’Nai Brith Youth Organization. We are inseparable, except when she’s being a dumb biddy, Ha! We are from different towns in LongggIsland, but we manage to see each other a lot, plus we have all the same friends. I am from Syosset, GO BRAVES, Ha, and Sam is from Roslyn.

I need to jump into the shower – wait, Sarah just IMed me – hopefully with something juicy:

KissieSmootch: Ally! Josh’s parents are out of the weekend so he’s have another party!
JewieBabe: Shut the fuck up. I love us. Think Matt will be there?
KissieSmootch: Um, OBVI! They’re like best friends!
JewieBabe: Well, that’s good news for him…he’s totally getting laid tonight!
KissieSmootch: You’re such a whore – I love it!
JewieBabe: I know, LOL, I gotta shower though. Let’s play later babe.
KissieSmootch: Pick you up at ten?
JewieBabe: Sounds good baby. Love you!
KissieSmootch: Love you more!

Well that’s good news. Tonight will be the night. But what am I gonna wear? Oh I know, my new Dolce dress, extra cleavage haha. Matt will love it. I better not eat that bagel though; I don’t want my tummy to bulge out of my dress! I’m in the mood to go to Cactus, my favorite nail salon. I’m totally getting my nails painted “wicked,” it’s by far the best color. Cactus always hits the spot. I’ll need it after this lunch with Sam; she’s going to talk non-stop about Adam. Ugh. Whatever. Ooohhh. We’re so going tanning at Beach Bum after Cactus. I need to look tan in my dress. Shit, I’m thinking way too ahead. I need to take a shower. HA, I love my life!

Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Finger Painter who Fingered the Competition for the Number 1 Spot.

No one is surprised. The odds were in his favor and he came through. Timmy Jacobson, 3rd grader at Mendota Elementary School, was crowned for the second year in a row state finger-painting champion. After a semester and half, hours upon hours of training, Timmy was unanimously voted the number one.

“I mean, I knew it was going to happen, just look at the competition.” Jacobson modestly commented. The competition he is referring to were two other 3rd graders from different schools in the state: Terrell Hampton from McKinley Elementary in Wauwautosa and Cammie Smith from Lincoln Elementary in Green Bay. Cammie Smith was the underdog going into the competition. She skipped second grade, making her younger and a bit more amateur, but she has a lot of potential.

“It’s stinky.” Remarked Cammie. “He’s a stupid-head and I should have won.” Cammie remains bitter and she said it will take a long time to get over this.

Timmy Jacobson, as cocky as he is, has the right to be so. While other kids are playing with Transformer toys or playing on the monkey bars, Jacobson is in his own personal art studio finger painting. He has been trained by world-renowned 65-year-old Slovakian finger painter, Ján Palach; not to be confused with the Czech student Ján Palach who set himself on fire to protest the Russian invasion of Czechoslovakia.

“He’s talent. I’ve trained countless finger painters, but this kid’s different.” Ján remarked. “I’ve haven’t seen such technique and graceful fingers since Mario Apuzzo.” Apuzza is the all time finger painting gold medalist, who won 6 straight gold medals before retiring in 7th grade.

The question now is, will success get to Jacobson’s head? “It already has, he walks around the halls wearing silk gloves acting like he is better than us.” Commented Cody Baker, a fellow student. “In art class he made fun of my Turkey hand and then spit on it. Everyone laughed.”

Jacobson has been even getting special treatment from the elementary school. “We created a personal studio for him. I know it is bizarre but he is bringing this school lots of media attention.” Expressed Principle Julius Juanes. “We even have a contract with Timmy that we can sell his finger paintings and other art works and we keep 20%. Last year we kept 50% but with this second gold medal he realized his value.”

When I spoke with Timmy, who showed up wearing the two medals and silk gloves, he explained how it was determination and hard work to get to where he is. “Doodie-heads think I was born with these amazing fingers. But that’s wrong. Simply wrong. I work so hard to get to this place. I have a picture of Mario Apuzzo above my desk that motivates me. If that kid could get 6, then I can get 7. No one is getting in my way. Not Cammie, not Terrell, not even God.”

Passionate words coming from a passionate 3rd grade finger-painter.

Workers of Union Cab Secede to Form Their Own Cab Company.

As if three cab companies weren’t enough, a new company has just spawned. To compete with the successful Union Cab Company, Confederate Cab Co. has just hit the streets of Madison, Wisconsin.

“Being such a white city surrounding such a white university, I feel our business will do exceptionally well.” Commented boss of the company, Richard Evan Lee. “We do not like how those Yankee bastards at Union Cab have been dominated the business.

R. Lee as he likes to be called was actually an employee of Union Cab, but didn’t like the policies they were enforcing. “I got a group of cab drivers together who shared my views and we disbanded from Union to start our own cab company.”

The policies he is referring to are that white drivers are forced to pick up and drive black people. “Now, hold on, Confederate Cab doesn’t refuse to pick up black people, we just made changes to the old policy. Black people can come in our cabs, but they have to drive themselves while the cab drivers sit in the back.” R. Lee rebutted. So far to date, they have only had one black person try to get in the cab, but after hearing that he would have to drive himself, he walked away. “That’s fine with us. If they don’t want to come in our cabs, they don’t have to.”

They also have a policy where Jewish students have to pay double. But how can they tell someone is Jewish? R. Lee explains they look at their facial features or their clothing, “If they are wealthy looking or have big noses we usually can tell. Also, if they pay credit card we look at their names.”

Surprisingly this backwards, racist cab company has been getting business. “The majority of our business has been very white. Some might call them rednecks, but I call them brothers.”

The Multicultural Club at the University of Wisconsin-Madison has spoken out for a boycott on Confederate Cab. Head of the club, Chris Brown, not to be confused with the sensational dancer/R&B singer, expressed his rage, “It’s preposterous! These hillbillies are reminding everyone of the ignorance and racism still imbedded in American culture. They are trying to turn Madison into 1864 Atlanta. I mean just look at the cabs.” The cabs he is referring to have presidential-style flags on the front and back with the Confederate logo. The Multicultural Club has sent a petition around for the City to get rid of the cab company. Signatures are growing, but some students have felt very awkward when asked to sign. One student who wished to remain nameless told us, “It’s very awkward when they ask us to sign it because, look yes I am white and I don’t really have a problem with Confederate Cab, in fact they are always on time and charge cheaper rates, but when a black student asks me to sign this I don’t want him thinking I’m racist so I sign it.”

“We have our business and those Yanks have their business. Plain and simple.” Expressed R. Lee.

However, Union Cab does not like this one bit. President of the company, James Winters, has constantly shown anger towards R. Lee. “He was a good-for-nothing when he worked for us and now he’s hurting the cab industry’s name. We have to do something quickly to get rid of Confederate Cab, take action. We are trying not to go to war with them, we are trying for peaceful solutions. But if war is inevitable then war it will be.”

Friday, February 27, 2009

Badgers’ Football Coach Accidentally Gets a New Tattoo.

Last Sunday, Bret Bielema awoke to discover something different on him. While putting on his shoes he noticed an image of a gopher on his right ankle. Dizzy from such a hangover he looked more closely to realize it wasn’t just any gopher but the University of Minnesota’s Golden Gopher tattooed to his ankle.

According to sources that have been made up for this article, Bielema said he does not remember it happening. He told sources that the previous night was very hazy. It started out with a few cocktails with some friends, then it got really blurry after that.

Several witnesses claimed they saw the coach at Zander, the chic new sports lounge, dancing on top of the bar and singing “C’est La Vie” by the one hit wonders B*witched.

"He was chugging Pomegranate Martinis and kicking his legs up like a burlesque dancer.” Quoted by one student who remained nameless because I made him up for this article.

Things then took a turn for the worse when Bielema stumbled into Karaoke Kid grabbed the microphone from a freshman student and started chanting: “LET’S GO HAWKEYES, LET’S GO HAWKEYES.” He then took the awkward but nervous student’s beer and poured it on him exclaiming, “The badger’s are going down. Hell, even Minnesota could beat you guys.”

After being tossed by the Karaoke Kid’s bouncers, Bielema was seen stumbling the streets asking people for more Pomegranate Martinis. In his final stop before bar-time, Bielema stumbled into Lava Lounge cutting the line with the excuse, “I’ve had sex with [ESPN reporter] Erin Andrews, let me through.”

Kelly Clarkson, no, not the music sensation, but a stocky man with an eye-patch who owns the tattoo parlor commented about his artwork on Bielema’s ankle that he felt so ashamed of inking up Bielema because Kelly is such a die hard Badgers’ fan.

Several students expressed their opinions that they are not surprised and think Bielema secretly hates the Badgers and intends to keep losing in his master plan of bringing down the school.

Bret has stood firmly behind his Iowa Hawkeye tattoo on his left ankle and doesn’t seem to be regretting his new Golden Gophers symbol.

The Immaculate Conception

Part: Nazareth 54 (Setting: 1970’s Disco Club)

GOD: Sleazy looking guy, big Jew-fro, tacky green shirt that's unbuttoned at the top to expose his chest hair, and he wears a chain that says "Me" in Hebrew.

GOD
[His cell phone rings and he picks up.]
This is God, speak to me. Billy Maccabi! What? Get the shit out of here. [Sees Mary]. Yeah, I’m gonna hang here. Alright, peace in the Middle East. [God hangs up the phone. God To himself, V.O.] Look at this piece of fine brisket.

God walks over to Mary. Mary is very young and innocent looking in a blue and white shawl.

GOD (cont’d)
Excuse me, can I tell you something?

MARY
[a bit nervous] Um, okay.

GOD
[confident] You are by far the grooviest Hebrew north of Bethlehem.

MARY
[flattered] Why thank you, I guess. [plays with her hair] What’s your name if you don’t mind me asking?

GOD
My name is Ga – I mean Matthew. I’m Matthew.

MARY
The gift from God, how pleasant. I’m Mary.

GOD
Mary. I like that. So, what’s an innocent, pure-looking girl like you doing in Nazareth 54? Shouldn’t you be serving your husband or reading the Torah?

MARY
I’m a very religious girl, and a loyal servant to my husband Joseph. But every woman needs a night out. Also, the weirdest thing happened to me. The angel Gabriel text messaged me saying that Nazareth 54 would be bumping tonight.

GOD
I guess this is meant to be then. Why don’t we grab a cocktail before we hit the dance floor?

MARY
Oh, I don’t know. God forbid if I become inebriated…

GOD
I have a funny feeling God wouldn’t mind too much.

MARY
I hope you’re right. I’m very religious, and if I were to become inebriated, I might fornicate with another man.

Gasps, covers her mouth. God does the same, then realizes what he’s doing and stops.
MARY (cont’d)
Oh Matthew, God would be so angry if that happened. Sex is such a sacred act.

GOD
God forgives my baby, God forgives. Especially for a good-looking yenta like you. [touches her chin gently] How about some Manishevitz? No one ever gets drunk off this stuff.

MARY
I don’t know why, but I just trust you. One glass couldn’t hurt, right?

GOD
Right. [grins]

[God goes up to the bar, and holds up two fingers in the air to the bartender. God gets the drinks, and puts a white pill in one of them.]

GOD (cont’d)
Here you go pretty nose. Let’s toast.

God is about to say something to toast to, but chokes on something/coughs, and it sounds like “L’chiem.”

MARY
L’chiem!

They both drink the entire glass in one gulp.

GOD
Good, right?

MARY
Mmm, it was great! I feel great! [sees people dancing] Let’s dance!

GOD
Great idea.

God and Mary join the crowd of people, who are doing the Hora and singing “Hava Nagila.” Someone is being raised up and down on a chair in the middle of the dance floor.

MARY
[screams] This is the most fun I’ve ever had!

GOD
Great. Let’s go back to my place and get to know each other Biblically.

MARY
[She can’t hear because the music is too loud.]
What?

All of a sudden, the pill/drink goes into affect, and Mary stumbles and passes out, knocking over a few tables. God drags her out of the bar, knocking over a few more tables.

Part Two: The Next Morning

Suddenly, she wakes up in an empty pull-out couch in a barn

MARY
Where am I? What happened last night? I remember the club, and I remember meeting—[grabs at her stomach] Goddamnit! My stomach is killing me.

Mary quickly gets dressed and runs out of the house, holding her stomach. Gods then enters the empty bedroom with a white robe on, a cigar in mouth, and a plate of pancakes.

GOD
[In a very gentlemanly voice] Look what daddy brought you— [reverts to real voice] oh God damnit!

Camera cuts to Mary running home and dialing her cousin Elizabeth’s phone number. Split screen.

ELIZABETH
Hello?

MARY
Liz. I think I did a bad thing…

ELIZABETH
What did you do last night?

MARY
[hesitant] Remember when you told me about that night you had sex with a deity? [quickly] Did your stomach hurt the next morning?

ELIZABETH
Mary, don’t tell me you hooked up with a random deity last night? Please tell me you at least used a sheepskin…

MARY
No, he said he doesn’t like how they feel – and he promised he would pull out!

ELIZABETH
Jesus Christ Mary, that’s what “divines” always say! You can always get an abortion, I know a schvartz who—

MARY
[angry] No! Don’t even say that word! I’m a religious woman. I’m going to take care of this baby for Christ’s sake!

ELIZABETH
Jesus, well don’t take it out on me. I’m not the one who’s acting like its 1978 [pauses, thinks for a moment] B.C.

MARY
You bite your tongue!

ELIZABETH
[regretful] I’m sorry Mary. You’re right. [more upbeat] I can’t believe you’re going to be a mommy! [smiles]

MARY
[happily] I know! I’m so excited. But Jesus Christ – what should I call him?

Damn You Brenna

“I think Brenna is going to dump me.” I said taking our attention off the TV.
“Ha, why you say that and where did that come from?”
“There was just an ad saying. ‘If you’re single and want some excitement, call this number.’”
“Okay, but why do you think she is going to dump you? You guys been together for like two years.”
“Yeah, but I feel I’ve been doing too much stupid shit.”
“Give me an example.”
“Ever had phone sex?”
“Nah, I don’t need to, but continue.”
“Well, I never really done it either, well once back in high school. So I got really shitfaced one night and decided to call Brenna, thinking it would be interesting. She went home for the weekend and I was horny.”
“Fair enough.”
“Well, I fucked up because, I guess you should never try phone sex with someone who doesn’t want to do it.”
“Haha, I continue.”
“So I called her, and was like ‘heeeeeey baby, what’s going ooonnn.’ Keep in mind this is at 3 am. She woke up and was like ‘hello? What do you want Nick, it’s 4am here.’ I was plastered and didn’t give a fuck, so I continued: ‘hey sweetie, man you’re hot, what are you wearing?’ She was like ‘mesh shorts and a tank top.’ ‘MMMMMMM, that’s soooo hot, you’re soooo hot, I love the feeling of your tiiits.’ She started getting pissed saying to me ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW! How drunk are you?’ ‘Drunk enough to know I’m having sex with you…IN MY MIND.’ She got even more pissed: ‘Holy shit, you are trying to have phone sex, Jesus Christ Nick, come on it’s 4 am.’ I replied, ‘I am trying to CUM ON.’ Next thing I remember was waking up to my phone beeping with a new voicemail.”
“HAHAHAHA, Bro, you’re an idiot. Who does that? Was she pissed?”
“The voicemail was from her and it said, “What the fuck is the matter with you, stop blacking out, and being retarded. We have to talk at some point.”
“Damn, bro. Stop drinking so much.”
“But it’s fun.” That was my only logical response. “I mean, personally, I’m getting sick of her politically correct bullshit and being so uptight. I’m the opposite of that; it’s driving both of us nuts. I want to have fun, you can’t understand, cause Jackie adores you. I feel mad confined with Brenna.”
“Nah, I see what you’re saying.”

My relationship with Brenna was on thin ice. Everything I do seems to make it worse and worse. But my stupid ass finally messed it up for good two weeks later:

“We haven’t had sex in like four weeks, what’s up with that?” I finally asked her as we drank at a bar with T.J. and his girl Jackie.
“Are you seriously bringing this up now?”
“Oh wow.” T.J. laughingly said.
“I mean we never talk anymore about what’s going on. You just constantly seem pissed.”
“Wanna know why I’m constantly pissed. Do you really wanna know why?” T.J. and Jackie were slowly getting up to leave, but Brenna pulled them both down. “T.J. and Jackie, I want you to hear this. Listen to what Nick did the weekend I got back from home. He wanted to ‘Spice up our sex lives.’ So one night he gets really drunk and stumbles into my room and thinks he has the greatest idea ever to spice it up. He says to me, ‘Brenna Babe, we should try role playing.’ And I thought it wasn’t the worst idea, so I said what characters should we be? He didn’t suggest being a nurse and a doctor, or a maid. No. He suggested I be Anne Frank and he dresses up as a SS Nazi soldier and I hide in my room and he comes up the stairs and tries to find me.”
“HAHAHAHAH, are you serious? That’s the funniest thing I ever heard.” T.J. laughs, and Jackie quickly slaps him.
“T.J., my grandma was a holocaust survivor.” Brenna snaps.
“I mean listen, the idea is amazing, I’m Jewish too, it’s awesome,” I replied.
“It’s so offensive on so many levels Nick.” Jackie responded.
“See, this is always how it is with you Nick, you’re a fucking child. You have no serious side and you are inappropriate every second of the day. I can’t deal with your idiocy and more.” She started to tear.
“Whoa, whoa, are you saying what I think you’re saying? Are you trying to dump me?”
She slowly nods.
“You’re crazy. Dump me over the idea to role play Anne Frank!”
“It’s not just that. It’s the fact you constantly make drunken calls to me with nothing to say but bullshit.”
“THAT’S WHY THEY ARE DRUNKEN CALLS!
“It’s the fact you can’t go anywhere without making a stupid stereotype or laughing only at Cartman from South Park or at people like Lisa Lampora or whatever her fatass name is.”
“Lampanelli. And she’s hilarious.”
“I can’t even bring you around my friends or parents without you making some degrading joke.”
“But they are funny. Whatever, you are psychotic. You’re the little PETA activist and human rights freak who owns a mink gloves. You eat lobster, steak, and fish, but won’t eat rabbit or pig cause they are cute. You’re absurd. So fuck you, I am OUT.”
“Oh snap.” T.J. said in amazement.
I took her drink from her chugged it down, went to the bar and ordered four Jagerbombs. Brenna left the bar in tears. Time to start a new life for Nick Rosensteinbergman.
Six weeks later and I’m a fucking mess. The first three weeks of being single were sweet. I was going to clubs, blacking out, taking home random girls. Not giving a fuck. I’m bringing home the widest range of girls ever. For every really hot girl I bring home I bring home like five busted, and I mean busted girls. But that’s the problem with living in a very cold weather area. It’s always freezing in Madison. So girls bundle up like crazy. With all the padding you can’t tell exactly what a girls body size is. So I’ve been fooled on multiple occasions thinking they were size 4s when really they were size 40s. But when I leave the bar it’s cool cause my boys can’t tell either, so they think I’m going home with a cutie. Hah. Things were going great at the beginning. But since then, it’s been down hill. I fell out of routine and motivation. I haven’t gone to the gym once. I signed up for this new boxing gym to try to get this new attitude and be jacked. But I realized cardio was involved so I decided to smoke pot and play Fight Night on Xbox instead. I’ve lost all motivation. Pretty much my day consists of me waking up, jerking off, watching cartoons, eating old pizza, jerking off, smoking pot, watching more cartoons, jerking off, and then going to bed. My hair is longer and I got a beard growing in. I look like Grizzly Adams, its scary. T.J. keeps trying to get me out more, but it’s useless. I’m fat now, laying on my couch, watching reruns of old Scooby-Doo episodes. You know, the ones where the Globe Trotters are on. That was the shit. Like oh, jeez we need the Globe Trotters to solve crimes. Fuck, CSI or the FBI, the Globe Trotters will get it done. I love that stuff. They tried so hard not to make it look racist it was awesome.

“Man, you are freaking me out.” T.J. said as he came through my front door. He looked at me with disgust. “Bro, look at you, its 5pm, and you’re in your boxers eating cereal, most of which is on your shirt, watching Scooby Doo. You gotta get yourself together.”
“What’s the use? Brenna’s gone, I’m fat, and I enjoy Scooby Doo.”
“What? You’re still hung up on Brenna, man forget that bitch. She’s psycho.”
“Yeah, but she had such an ass and titties like whoooah. I still jerk off to old photos of her”
“What the fuck, your pathetic. Bro, you’re ridiculous. You need to get out of her and get back into the rhythm.”
“Dude you know I’m Jewish, it’s impossible for me to have rhythem.”
“Shut up, no it’s not. And first off we are talking about two different rhythms. Yes it’s true you’re Jewish and you can’t dance for shit, I know you wish your skin color was as black as mine, but its not. Wait, I am not even talking about that. I’m talking about you getting back into a routine and a new mode, one where you are not smoking pot all day, watching retarded TV shows—“
“—Hey, don’t knock the Scoob.”
“Fine, whatever, all I am saying is let’s get your ass off the couch and outside for fresh air. And get you positive again. Bro, I used to brag to my boys about how much ass you get. Now I see your room and it’s covered in tissue paper, and I know you don’t have a cold. So get your ass up and lets do something.”
“But what can we do?” I said grumpily.
“We can get you in the gym, a good shave, a hair cut, new clothes, and at the very least a shower. Shit—” He says as he makes a disgusted face,” when was the last time you changed your clothes or even showered?”
“I don’t know, listen stop bitching at me, first off my clothes are comfortable all worn in, second I haven’t had time to shower constantly.”
“You lay around and smoke pot all day, what could possibly be more time consuming then showering?”
“Laying around and smoking pot all day.”
“Touchée.” We both laughed.
“Alright, your very motivated and smart for a—“
—Don’t you say black guy, you jackass. And now that you mention it, we do got to change your thought process, I know you’re not racist, but you have to know when to tone it down. Brenna dumped you over that shit bro. I don’t care when you say your racist bullshit around me because we’ve been friends since we was in high school and I do love making Jewish and white jokes around you. But not in front of girls all the time, they don’t want to hear that shit.”
“Really?”
“Yes really, now lets go.”

This was the start of intense training. Picture the Rocky montage, the Wet Hot American Summer montage, and the South Park montage; you know the one where Stan needs to learn to ski, all in one. I made a playlist on my Ipod of songs like “Eye of the Tiger” and “You’re The Best Around,” so when I worked out, I felt like I was in a real montage, a cheesy 80s montage. The beginning was brutal. We started out running everyday. T.J. would make me run a minimum of two miles everyday. At first I would bring my pack of stoges with me, T.J. would call me a retard or hit me whenever I smoked on our runs. I got off to a slow start, wheezing and longing for cartoons and pot. But as the weeks progressed something changed. I don’t know how it happened, all of a sudden I got intense motivation, I felt like I was Stallone or Norris. I was actually consistently working out and being productive. I did my best to cut out shit like smoking cigarettes, not pot. I couldn’t do that to myself, that’s too fucked up. I cut down drinking heavily and noticed my beer gut was going from a keg to a six-pack. Well ok, not a six-pack, but I could finally see my dick a lot better. See that’s what I need, I need motivation. T.J. got me motivated. I can’t do shit without someone forcing me too. Maybe I should buy a Tony Robbins book. He’s great at motivating people. Nah, that’s too weird. I’m not going to bullshit and say that it was an easy change in my life and I stuck with it til the end. There were several times during the weeks of restructuring my life I went back to how I was, laying around or blacking out at bars, but it was getting more rare as time went on. After two and a half months of getting in shape I was ready to mate. HAHA.
“Alright young grasshopper,” T.J. jokes as he bows towards me, “Your time has come, lets get you some good ass and possibly a wifey.”
“Alright, let me put something on and we will go to Terry’s Tavern. My game plan tonight is to be Don Juan, actually I am going to be Don “Magic” Juan. Biggest pimp ever.”
“Alright white boy lets go.”

Terry’s Tavern is a great bar. Great music, like the Stones or Guns & Roses constantly. Lots of drunk girls, and lots of Jagerbombs.

“Wow, tonight is poppin, so many people are here.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna get a pitcher I’ll be right back.” I walked to the bar and got the attention of Sarah, my favorite bartender, always hooks me up with drinks, but no matter how hard I try I never am able to seal the deal. “Oh Fuck.” There she was, across the bar, Brenna. I haven’t talked to her in mad long, but haven’t stopped thinking about her. But fuck it, I’m changed now, my life is in order, maybe we can fix shit up.
“Sarah, send the brunette over there a Stoli-7.” Sarah brings Brenna the drink and points to me. I gave the cheesiest wave ever. Shit, she’s coming over.
“Hey you, wow, I didn’t even recognize you, you look great.”
Yeaaaaaah, she so wants me.
“Yea, I’ve been at the gym a few times.”
“Well, you look great, and I hope you been good.”
“Yeah, I’ve been doing good.” Good stuff, play distant, and make her want it. “I don’t see any of your girlfriends, you come here alone?”
“Nah, I came here with Steve.”
Who the fuck is Steve? “Who the fuck is Steve?”
“Um, he’s kinda my boyfriend.” There goes that, it felt like she kicked my square in the balls. “There he is, coming out of the bathroom.”
What a fag this guy is. I could easily fuck him up, even though he is jacked beyond belief. He walks over and all I do is grill him. “Hey, you must be Steve, nice to meet you, but hey, I gotta run, oh and F.Y.I, Brenna has Chlamydia.” That ought to make things awkward between them. I turn around and walk away. Fuck her, who the fuck is ‘Steve?’ She’s a whore. I go straight to the bar without looking and order four Jagerbombs. I know that usually in these stories, the good guy does through a rough patch, then he gets his life in order, and then he goes on to conquer the world. Well, two out of three ain’t bad. The night brought me back to my past – blacking out. I ordered several pitchers and brought them back to T.J.
“What happened bro?”
“Fuck that bitch”
“What bitch? What happened?”
“Brenna is here, and she’s got a man.”
“Oh shit dude, what happened.”
“I don’t know, all I know is he’s a real douche bag so I told him she has Chlamydia.”
“Smooth Nick.”
“Fuck her, let’s get drunk, and don’t give me a lecture, WE ARE GETTING DRUNK.”
“Alright, not gonna stop you.”
We finished all the pitchers then went to the bar for shots. I was downing shot after shot. I got retarded. The night was pretty hazy, but in the course of it, I met a girl. And yea I was drunk as shit, but I could tell this girl was really hot. I kicked great game. T.J. told me he wanted to leave cause he was tired, but I knew that Jackie was making him come home cause it was getting late, and he is whipped. T.J. caught a cab and I stayed and chatted with Kelsey, or Katherine, or Kaitlin, I don’t really remember her name, for all I know it was Isabelle. All I know is that I brought her back like a champ, and we fucked for hours. Doggy, against the wall, and all crazy things possible. As a joke I asked if I could do a Cleveland Steamer, she was sooo drunk she agreed. But I felt a little grossed out and declined. It would have been mad funny though. She left the next morning before I woke up. I walked into my TV room grabbed my bong, turned on Scooby Doo, and enjoyed the moment. Fuck Brenna I thought, this is going to be a brighter future for me. As the weeks went on, I occasionally went to the gym, stayed on top of things. It all came to a screeching halt, I went to take a piss one day and my fucking dick burned so badly I screamed. I was freaking out. How ironic would it be if I actually got Chlamydia? Fuck Brenna, she always wins.

President George Bush Leaves the White House with Plans to Perform a One-Man Show on Broadway

President George Bush left office with a plan in mind. After years of torment and ridicule, Bush decided to attack back. At who you may ask, since so many television personalities were the ones delivering the jokes, but Bush has decided to get back at Will Ferrell.

As most former Presidents retire to their homes and in some cases plantations, George Bush is hitting Broadway. He plans perform a one-man show for a limited number of nights, in which he only imitates Will Ferrell and the famous characters he has portrayed over the years.

President Bush wants to show that he can be just as funny as those who mock him, and who better to make fun of than his biggest imitator, Will Ferrell. As everyone has covered Bush’s presidential career, ol’ George is covering Ferrell’s movie career. You will see him bring to life characters such as: Steve Butabi, Chazz Michael Michaels, Chazz Reinhold, Ricky Bobby, Frank the Tank, and even non-comedic roles such as Harold Crick from Stranger than Fiction.

Although this one-man show might seem like a challenge, President Bush is excited about the fact that Will Ferrell’s characters usually play with the English language and have often been known to make up a few words, as when Will Ferrell says in Blades of Glory: “She’s mind-bottling.”

President Bush even told the press that he will go one step further and do a sketch where he is playing Will Ferrell playing George Bush. This should be one of the highlights of the performance as he will be trying to imitate someone that has been imitated for the last eight years and now must make it very original even though he is playing a role of someone else playing that role.

Also to be noted, George Bush has written the majority of the play with a little help from Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Donald Rumsfeld.

The Play is scheduled to hit Broadway within weeks of his departure from the White House.