Monday, June 1, 2009

Swine Flu Falls Under the 00.01% of Germs that Purell Can't Kill

It turns out that, Purell Hand Sanitizer's bold statement that it kills 99.99% of germs, does not kill the germs that lead to Swine Flu. Swine Flu falls under the 00.01% of germs that Purell cannot kill.

Also included in that small percentage of germs are Herpes, Gout, and Avian Bird Flu.

The germs that lead to diseases such as AIDS, The Black Plague, Lou Gerhig's Disease, and Genital Warts incredibly fall under the 99.99% that Purell does kill.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Student Thought to Have Swine Flu Relieved to Find out it Was Just Gas

Fieldston Academy of NYC recently reopened it's doors to students after canceling school for two weeks because of suspicion of one of its students having swine flu. It turns out that the student, Benjamin Horowitz 13, didn't have swine flu, but rather gas.

"He complained all night with the worst stomach ache," reported his mother Esther. "And with all the scare on the news, especially Fox News, what was I to do besides think it was swine flu? I'm a neurotic Jewish mother."

It turns out Benjamin at the Hot Dog stop "Papaya King," and felt horribly shortly after.

"They sell hot dogs, which I am pretty sure are made from pork! Of course I am going to think it is swine flu." Remarked Benjamin.

But then the relieving news came when one evening, some three days later, Benjamin was watching a rerun of "Everybody Loves Raymond" and out of no where he let out what he describes as one of the loudest but greatest farts of all time. Since then he has felt 100%.

After hearing this news, the school reopened its doors and continued with classes.

However, on a more depressing note, The fart which Benjamin let rip ruptured his intestines and he died two days later.

Increase in Hiring of Anorexic Midgets Due to Recession

Nearly all companies have been forced to cut down on costs due to the economic recession. Some however have gone absurd route to downsizing. Several companies such as HG Higgins & Son Investments have been firing heavier and/or taller employees and hiring extremely thin and/or short applicants.

The logic behind this can be expressed by head of HR at HG Higgins & Son, Frank Wright, not to be confused with the famous architect Frank Lloyd Wright: "We are cutting costs, that means smaller offices. We can't keep spending on bigger desks and we need to make the cubicles smaller. So, having larger employees is not cost productive. Also, we need to cut lunch hours and we can't afford to be supplying lunch, so having anorexic employees increases work time and cash flow."

One employee who weighed roughly 6'5 260 pounds lost his job to a midget who weighed at most 90 lbs. He, as well as several other larger than normal former employees have been picketing outside the front entrance.

Complaints of discrimination have been vocalized in which the CEO, Jeff Goldblum, has responded, "It's not really discrimination. Hey, these people aren't being fire because they are Black or Female, but because of factors they could change. If they lose 50 pounds, we'd be happy to take them back."

When asked about discriminating based on height, Mr. Goldblum refused to comment. But since their strategy of firing fat and tall people, HG Higgins & Son has increased their revenue roughly 10%.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Gay Men Now Required to Have Lisps

The Gay community recently released a statement that there is now a requirement to coming out of the closet. Since the sudden popularity of people coming out of the closet, the Gay community feels that coming out is becoming cliche and anyone can do it. They want to make this group exclusive so they can remain prestigous.

LGB spokesman Tom Wolfe, not to be confused with the white-suited author, expressed the decision made by the Gay community, "We are letting too many Joe Schmoesss come out of the clossset. Now everyone wantsss to be queer. We like that we are sssuper popular, but come on, we need sssome prerequisitesss. SSSo we decided that you must have a lisssp to be able to apply for a coming out of the clossset party."

The LGB has started turning away applicants who do not have a lisp. But however, they have made it clear that if you are admittedly gay without a lisp prior to this new ruling, then you can still remain in the group and show gay pride.

Rafael Sanderson, recently came out last week. He does not have a lisp and is extremely happy that he can remain gay. "I constantly get surprised remarks when I tell people I am gay," Says the 6'4 250 pound muscle head with a gruff voice. "But then I whip out my LGB Card and show my pride. However, my best friend Tony, who also doesn't have a lisp, was nervous to come out but now he regrets it so much because he can't do it now."

Spokesman Tom Wolfe informed us that they are developing methods to test for fake lisps. Right now the preferred method is random phone calls to applicants to see how they answer the phone.

Ain't America Amazing?

Not really funny, but I had to post this...enjoy

Ain’t America Awesome?

i always amuse an audience by asking for answers about why
Americans adore annihilation and avoid the amazing beauty of birth,
because bloody battles bring a brighter and more beautiful balance to
war crazed citizens constantly calling for catastrophe and chaos, craving calamity and the collapse of countries and i demand diligently why degenerates deserve to display their deplorable demeanor and deny their dignity on "girls gone wild" and how everyone who emancipates their enormous tits enjoy immense amounts of elevation and exaltation and everyone else evades those expressing emotions full of fascinating finds of fervor and fidelity fighting against fortunes but fond of the flavor of foresight forgetting glamor but growing their gifts like gardens of genius that even god is grateful of, but how hundreds and hundreds of humans have humongous amounts of hubris and they hide helplessly from intelligence and in turn become inclined to ignorance and intellectuals inevitably are now ignored just because they juxtapose the jovial way of acting like a jock or a jerk and jaunt to a journey where they kick it kindly with kinfolk and kill time not by killing other kingdoms but by lounging and learning through language and laughter, longing to learn lessons not just to live lavishly like movie stars and models, making magazine news because they made out, and the media markets millions of mortals that haven't matured and makes them feel minuscule, so they mimic the notable but not natural celebs on the news, now no one feels the need to know more knowledge and now the nation naturally becomes more naive. An openness to obtain wisdom is overruled by the opportunity to pull open your overalls and offer your sexual organs. Because people are presented with pathetic possibilities where they perceive the purpose of life is popularity and plenty people pretend a whole personality for the public's perspective and they put their passions on pause and are polluted by the populace thoughts and they rather peep a tv program then peep a paperback, and they quit the quest for the quantity and quality of their questions of life but rather repress the romance and reach for repulsive reputations of being regarded as respectable but rebellious, but really they are never real, they relish the respect of those who write reviews and they never really reveal their realness. They seldom see the serenity in the the scope of things. so they sporadically spend and splurge on superficial stuff to keep their selves sane, and some never sense to sort through stories to help stabilize their soul. talking to twenty is the same as talking to two, they talk of the same topics and their tangents take them to tiring and trivial themes, only taught by TV and not by understanding ubiquitous utilities like the mind and the soul, but under the underage universes what is unveiled is void, and veterans to visual arts are viewed as villains, not of violence but of the value of virtue, and vast verbose wise men will never be able to work if wisdom is whisked away, while we as Americans watch and wait for what will be on next, without wondering what will be waiting for us, and with wonderful wonders waiting to be washed up and found, we will be wrestled by the brain wash of worthless tv shows that excite but don’t expand out minds, shows like extra don't explore and have us expect to experience extraordinary exhibitions, but make us exit our own experiences. we should yearn to have our brains rise beyond yonder like yeast, but year after year the youth only gets younger and they yap a lot of yada yada yada and only say zip because this zestful zealous nation zig-zags into a zoo of zombies who don’t zero in but zone out and have their heads filled with zzzzz’s

A Poem for the Ages: A J.A.P.

Once there was a girl
Who believed she owned the world
She came from a town by the name of Jericho
Some called her Jessie others called her "ho"
She is a JAP but not from Japan
And each night she's with another man
She loves rap and techno
If you play classical she says "heck no"
Anything that gets a party going
She gets really drunk and ends up blowing
The first guy to buy a bottle
She's not hot but acts like a model
And she spits on the poor
A empty girl acting like the queen of the world
But really just a dirty whore.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Woolly Mammoth with a Side of Cole Slaw

The Museum of Natural History, the Smithsonian, and countless paleontologists are in rage as Bob Smith (no, not the same Bob Smith who provided the voice for Howdy Doody) recently found, while hunting in northern Wisconsin, a frozen Woolly Mammoth in complete form.

Why are they so angered by the monumental discovery? We asked Anthropologist, Dr. Charles Spencer, Ph.D for his reasoning and he explained, "This idiot could give us answers to many unsolved questions with the past, but instead he wants to eat it!"

That's right. Bob Smith intends to defrost the 10,000 pound beast over the year and have him ready for the Green Bay Packers' football season to start. He then intends to throw what he declares as "the greatest tailgate of all time," where he will grill the entire mammoth and also serve his famous cole slaw.

"I found it, therefore it is mine. Imagine the ribs this sucker must have. Delicious. I know those museums and scientists have found woolly mammoths in the past, so why do they need this one? Answer: They don't." Smith stressed when we confronted him about his findings.

Some paleontologists and museum curators have actually expressed some interest in this endeavor. "It will be most interesting to actually taste what the cavemen ate on a regular basis," Dr. Calvin Monroe from the University of Michigan stated, "Trust me, I will be there for seconds!"

Smith informed us that come opening day at Lambeau Field, a feast for the ages will go down. Smith has decided to grill, smoke, and deep fry the extinct animal as to incorporate a variety that suits all.