Woolly Mammoth with a Side of Cole Slaw

The Museum of Natural History, the Smithsonian, and countless paleontologists are in rage as Bob Smith (no, not the same Bob Smith who provided the voice for Howdy Doody) recently found, while hunting in northern Wisconsin, a frozen Woolly Mammoth in complete form.

Why are they so angered by the monumental discovery? We asked Anthropologist, Dr. Charles Spencer, Ph.D for his reasoning and he explained, "This idiot could give us answers to many unsolved questions with the past, but instead he wants to eat it!"

That's right. Bob Smith intends to defrost the 10,000 pound beast over the year and have him ready for the Green Bay Packers' football season to start. He then intends to throw what he declares as "the greatest tailgate of all time," where he will grill the entire mammoth and also serve his famous cole slaw.

"I found it, therefore it is mine. Imagine the ribs this sucker must have. Delicious. I know those museums and scientists have found woolly mammoths in the past, so why do they need this one? Answer: They don't." Smith stressed when we confronted him about his findings.

Some paleontologists and museum curators have actually expressed some interest in this endeavor. "It will be most interesting to actually taste what the cavemen ate on a regular basis," Dr. Calvin Monroe from the University of Michigan stated, "Trust me, I will be there for seconds!"

Smith informed us that come opening day at Lambeau Field, a feast for the ages will go down. Smith has decided to grill, smoke, and deep fry the extinct animal as to incorporate a variety that suits all.

Anne Frank Passed Away at the Age of 80

Anne Frank passed away at 12:04 AM, Thursday, March 5, 2009. Anne Frank, who had been living Manville, Wyoming for the last 60 plus years, died from natural causes.

Anne Frank was the famous author of The Diary of Anne Frank, story of a little girl who hid from Nazis living in an attic but was caught.

Many people are shocked by this, thinking it was a true story. Anne, who wrote in her autobiography, I Can't Believe They Bought It, claims it was a fabricated story with an unoriginal name for a protagonist. She had made millions upon millions for her story about the little Dutch girl.

"I am not even from Amsterdam. I'm from Atlantic City. How could they think it was a true story?" Anne reportedly told a friend before she passed.

The world has lost a beloved character and a confused but sneaky author.

I SPOT A F.L.I.D!! This is when I was in Poland, I had no idea F.L.I.D.s knew where Poland even was? It's definitely not in Long Island, so who told them about it?

A Day in the Life of a Long Island Jewish Princess

So, it’s Saturday morning, my daddy woke me up because he got me fresh Bagels with low fat cream cheese and tomato slices. Ugh, I am so hung-over, my head is killing me and I can’t believe how nauseous I am; Josh’s party was soo crazy. My friend Sam got into a fight with this slut from Merrick cause she hooked up with Sam’s ex boyfriend, Adam. All south shore girls are sluts. Anyways, Sam left the party hysterically crying. I would have gone with her, but ohmygod Matt was there, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hook up with him. He was so cute in his Ed Hardy v-neck with his dog tag chain. So I got really fucked up, and I made him walk me to my car. Before I got in, I made sure we kissed, and minutes later I was topless in the back of my car making out. Obviously Brett, who wanted me, had to get in the way, and got Matt out of there. F.Y.I., Bad move driving home that night, but I was fine. Anyways, ugh I feel like shit, it’s only eleven; I look like shit, so I hope I can get a facial, a mani, and a pedi at Cactus. Shit, my phones ringing, oh-my-gawd I love my ringtone: “Take me home tonight, I don’t wanna let do do do do do do.” I love that song! Yay, it’s Sam!

“Hey Sam, how are you feeling?”
“Better now, but I could totally go for some cwafee or lunch at Laguna Grill”
“That sounds good, but I’d rather eat at something like Kitchen Kaberet.”
“I’ll do that, what time?”
“Umm, how about in an hour, I gotta shower and do some shit.”
“Ok, bye sweetie”

“Love ya” That’s Sam, we have been “B.F.F’s” since we were seven when we met at Camp Robindel and then did B.B.Y.O; if you’re not from LonggIsland it means “B’Nai Brith Youth Organization. We are inseparable, except when she’s being a dumb biddy, Ha! We are from different towns in LongggIsland, but we manage to see each other a lot, plus we have all the same friends. I am from Syosset, GO BRAVES, Ha, and Sam is from Roslyn.

I need to jump into the shower – wait, Sarah just IMed me – hopefully with something juicy:

KissieSmootch: Ally! Josh’s parents are out of the weekend so he’s have another party!
JewieBabe: Shut the fuck up. I love us. Think Matt will be there?
KissieSmootch: Um, OBVI! They’re like best friends!
JewieBabe: Well, that’s good news for him…he’s totally getting laid tonight!
KissieSmootch: You’re such a whore – I love it!
JewieBabe: I know, LOL, I gotta shower though. Let’s play later babe.
KissieSmootch: Pick you up at ten?
JewieBabe: Sounds good baby. Love you!
KissieSmootch: Love you more!

Well that’s good news. Tonight will be the night. But what am I gonna wear? Oh I know, my new Dolce dress, extra cleavage haha. Matt will love it. I better not eat that bagel though; I don’t want my tummy to bulge out of my dress! I’m in the mood to go to Cactus, my favorite nail salon. I’m totally getting my nails painted “wicked,” it’s by far the best color. Cactus always hits the spot. I’ll need it after this lunch with Sam; she’s going to talk non-stop about Adam. Ugh. Whatever. Ooohhh. We’re so going tanning at Beach Bum after Cactus. I need to look tan in my dress. Shit, I’m thinking way too ahead. I need to take a shower. HA, I love my life!