Last Sunday, Bret Bielema awoke to discover something different on him. While putting on his shoes he noticed an image of a gopher on his right ankle. Dizzy from such a hangover he looked more closely to realize it wasn’t just any gopher but the University of Minnesota’s Golden Gopher tattooed to his ankle.
According to sources that have been made up for this article, Bielema said he does not remember it happening. He told sources that the previous night was very hazy. It started out with a few cocktails with some friends, then it got really blurry after that.
Several witnesses claimed they saw the coach at Zander, the chic new sports lounge, dancing on top of the bar and singing “C’est La Vie” by the one hit wonders B*witched.
"He was chugging Pomegranate Martinis and kicking his legs up like a burlesque dancer.” Quoted by one student who remained nameless because I made him up for this article.
Things then took a turn for the worse when Bielema stumbled into Karaoke Kid grabbed the microphone from a freshman student and started chanting: “LET’S GO HAWKEYES, LET’S GO HAWKEYES.” He then took the awkward but nervous student’s beer and poured it on him exclaiming, “The badger’s are going down. Hell, even Minnesota could beat you guys.”
After being tossed by the Karaoke Kid’s bouncers, Bielema was seen stumbling the streets asking people for more Pomegranate Martinis. In his final stop before bar-time, Bielema stumbled into Lava Lounge cutting the line with the excuse, “I’ve had sex with [ESPN reporter] Erin Andrews, let me through.”
Kelly Clarkson, no, not the music sensation, but a stocky man with an eye-patch who owns the tattoo parlor commented about his artwork on Bielema’s ankle that he felt so ashamed of inking up Bielema because Kelly is such a die hard Badgers’ fan.
Several students expressed their opinions that they are not surprised and think Bielema secretly hates the Badgers and intends to keep losing in his master plan of bringing down the school.
Bret has stood firmly behind his Iowa Hawkeye tattoo on his left ankle and doesn’t seem to be regretting his new Golden Gophers symbol.
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