The Immaculate Conception

Part: Nazareth 54 (Setting: 1970’s Disco Club)

GOD: Sleazy looking guy, big Jew-fro, tacky green shirt that's unbuttoned at the top to expose his chest hair, and he wears a chain that says "Me" in Hebrew.

GOD
[His cell phone rings and he picks up.]
This is God, speak to me. Billy Maccabi! What? Get the shit out of here. [Sees Mary]. Yeah, I’m gonna hang here. Alright, peace in the Middle East. [God hangs up the phone. God To himself, V.O.] Look at this piece of fine brisket.

God walks over to Mary. Mary is very young and innocent looking in a blue and white shawl.

GOD (cont’d)
Excuse me, can I tell you something?

MARY
[a bit nervous] Um, okay.

GOD
[confident] You are by far the grooviest Hebrew north of Bethlehem.

MARY
[flattered] Why thank you, I guess. [plays with her hair] What’s your name if you don’t mind me asking?

GOD
My name is Ga – I mean Matthew. I’m Matthew.

MARY
The gift from God, how pleasant. I’m Mary.

GOD
Mary. I like that. So, what’s an innocent, pure-looking girl like you doing in Nazareth 54? Shouldn’t you be serving your husband or reading the Torah?

MARY
I’m a very religious girl, and a loyal servant to my husband Joseph. But every woman needs a night out. Also, the weirdest thing happened to me. The angel Gabriel text messaged me saying that Nazareth 54 would be bumping tonight.

GOD
I guess this is meant to be then. Why don’t we grab a cocktail before we hit the dance floor?

MARY
Oh, I don’t know. God forbid if I become inebriated…

GOD
I have a funny feeling God wouldn’t mind too much.

MARY
I hope you’re right. I’m very religious, and if I were to become inebriated, I might fornicate with another man.

Gasps, covers her mouth. God does the same, then realizes what he’s doing and stops.
MARY (cont’d)
Oh Matthew, God would be so angry if that happened. Sex is such a sacred act.

GOD
God forgives my baby, God forgives. Especially for a good-looking yenta like you. [touches her chin gently] How about some Manishevitz? No one ever gets drunk off this stuff.

MARY
I don’t know why, but I just trust you. One glass couldn’t hurt, right?

GOD
Right. [grins]

[God goes up to the bar, and holds up two fingers in the air to the bartender. God gets the drinks, and puts a white pill in one of them.]

GOD (cont’d)
Here you go pretty nose. Let’s toast.

God is about to say something to toast to, but chokes on something/coughs, and it sounds like “L’chiem.”

MARY
L’chiem!

They both drink the entire glass in one gulp.

GOD
Good, right?

MARY
Mmm, it was great! I feel great! [sees people dancing] Let’s dance!

GOD
Great idea.

God and Mary join the crowd of people, who are doing the Hora and singing “Hava Nagila.” Someone is being raised up and down on a chair in the middle of the dance floor.

MARY
[screams] This is the most fun I’ve ever had!

GOD
Great. Let’s go back to my place and get to know each other Biblically.

MARY
[She can’t hear because the music is too loud.]
What?

All of a sudden, the pill/drink goes into affect, and Mary stumbles and passes out, knocking over a few tables. God drags her out of the bar, knocking over a few more tables.

Part Two: The Next Morning

Suddenly, she wakes up in an empty pull-out couch in a barn

MARY
Where am I? What happened last night? I remember the club, and I remember meeting—[grabs at her stomach] Goddamnit! My stomach is killing me.

Mary quickly gets dressed and runs out of the house, holding her stomach. Gods then enters the empty bedroom with a white robe on, a cigar in mouth, and a plate of pancakes.

GOD
[In a very gentlemanly voice] Look what daddy brought you— [reverts to real voice] oh God damnit!

Camera cuts to Mary running home and dialing her cousin Elizabeth’s phone number. Split screen.

ELIZABETH
Hello?

MARY
Liz. I think I did a bad thing…

ELIZABETH
What did you do last night?

MARY
[hesitant] Remember when you told me about that night you had sex with a deity? [quickly] Did your stomach hurt the next morning?

ELIZABETH
Mary, don’t tell me you hooked up with a random deity last night? Please tell me you at least used a sheepskin…

MARY
No, he said he doesn’t like how they feel – and he promised he would pull out!

ELIZABETH
Jesus Christ Mary, that’s what “divines” always say! You can always get an abortion, I know a schvartz who—

MARY
[angry] No! Don’t even say that word! I’m a religious woman. I’m going to take care of this baby for Christ’s sake!

ELIZABETH
Jesus, well don’t take it out on me. I’m not the one who’s acting like its 1978 [pauses, thinks for a moment] B.C.

MARY
You bite your tongue!

ELIZABETH
[regretful] I’m sorry Mary. You’re right. [more upbeat] I can’t believe you’re going to be a mommy! [smiles]

MARY
[happily] I know! I’m so excited. But Jesus Christ – what should I call him?